Brain Fog

I've been meaning to sit down and write a new blog for some time now. But, my mind has not been in a good place lately. Between not knowing when/where my next paycheck might come from, trying to fill the dumpster that is sitting in my driveway with all kinds of trash and memories that have accumulated at my house, and the realization that I'm probably going to have to walk away from my house once the mortgage company gets tired of me taking too long to submit required paperwork for my loss mitigation to prevent the foreclosure processes from continuing, my brain has been on overloaded mode. I can't seem to think straight, or make decisions. Let alone attempt to put thoughts into words for others to maybe get a small glimpse into my life with anxiety and depression. But, here we go, I must at least try, right?

It has taken several hours for me to work up the energy to get out of my bed into this position in front of my computer. It's almost 4:30 in the afternoon. Yes, I've been in bed all day. And most of yesterday. Because Wednesday night was a BAD night. That's an understatement. Wednesday evening found me in the fetal position, naked in the shower, sobbing uncontrollably. The lies and self-doubt had taken over control of my mind causing guilt and pain, fear and insecurities. And I just wanted it all to stop. Whatever that would take. I wanted it to stop.

I was able to climb out of the shower at some point and was listening to music, but each word was like a knife to my heart. I fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears that night while the audio Bible was playing through the Psalms.

I woke up the next morning. Read that again. I woke up the next morning. I somehow survived the night. Even if I hadn't wanted to. I pulled myself together for a few appointments Thursday morning, but by noon, I was once again exhausted and crawled back into bed. Where I remained for most of the rest of the day, and again today. Do I have things to do? Things that I need to get done? Of course. But, my albeit unhealthy coping mechanism of paralyzing avoidance has taken control of my body. Well, maybe not completely, I have somehow managed to get out of bed long enough to share with the world what is currently happening in my world...maybe this is my cry for help. Maybe this is my way of processing. I'm not sure at this point, but I just felt I needed to get this out. But, here I sit, unsure of what to do next. Tackle the piles of memories and trash around the house? Pick up the guitar and learn a new song? Take the dogs for a walk? Get something to eat or drink? (I just realized I have not had anything to eat OR drink since last night some time...) Or just continue to sit here and stare at the computer screen?

Needless-to-say, I covet your prayers right now. Prayers to make the lies stop. Prayers to help me fully believe the truth about who God says I am. I feel like such a hypocrite at times. I know exactly what to say to others who are hurting about the truth of God's love towards them, but in my darkest moments, nothing feels farther from the truth...hence the guilt added to those moments. So, please pray that my heart and my mind will fully connect on the truth of God's Word and drown out all the lies that have no place in God's child! Amen! Amen!

Transparency = Vulnerability And here goes nothing...