There is nothing more therapeutic than spending some alone time in nature...until preparing for that time becomes burdened with anxiety.
My life has been rather chaotic these past few months. So, I made specific plans to incorporate some 'recharging' time into my schedule this summer. One of these things was a planned backpacking trip for a few days with just the dogs and me. I had been looking forward to spending some time alone in nature with just God, the dogs, and me. My journey was to start on Saturday, but a coworker had asked if I could work for her Saturday morning and I need the money, so I accepted. I originally planned to leave then Saturday afternoon, but did not have everything quite packed and I was exhausted. I decided to just head out the next morning.
Sunday morning, I spent a few hours in bed debating whether or not to even go anymore. I finally got up around 7am after going to bed by 8pm the night before and attempted to complete the packing. Part of my reasoning for waiting another night was due to my frustration that I was trying to make everything 'fit' into my smaller pack and couldn't figure out what I truly needed for a few nights in the woods. I have been backpacking in the past, but it had been a while and I always felt like I had overpacked. So, what could I leave behind? I was able to trim a few items out and made what I thought I would need fit snuggly into my smaller pack. I had a few last minute items to grab at the store on my way out, but around 9am, I was leaving the house.
While I was at the store, I realized I completely forgot to pack the leash for the dogs. So, after wandering the store for much longer than necessary, I had to return home to grab the leash. But, what I thought would be a quick run in and out, turned into 40 minutes of tears, meltdowns, and a few words I'm not entirely proud of. I could NOT find the leash anywhere. I literally cried out to God to help me find the leash because I was seriously losing it. My emotions definitely got the best of me a few times and the tears flooded my eyes and the anger came out in my voice. Good thing I was home alone at the time. I started second guessing this whole trip idea, well third or fourth guessing if we're being honest. Am I really supposed to go? How could this possibly be therapeutic at this point?! This went on for at least 40 minutes. All the while, the dogs where still waiting in the car. But, finally, I found the leash. Right where I had left it...I got in the car, took a few deep breaths, and headed off.
The next three hours would be spent worshipping as I blared the music on the car. I arrived at Parker Dam State Park with renewed hopes of a great few days and excitement to hit the trail. After registering at the office, adjusting a few things in my pack to accommodate the newly purchased items, and sending last minute messages to family and friends to make sure someone knew where I was, I started off on the trail.
After a little while, the trail become nothing but a swamp! I had to create little 'detours' to cross the swamp lands while still trying to follow the actual trail. I attempted to keep my feet as dry as possible, but ended up in mud puddles up to my ankles a few times. However, as I tried to skirt the swampy trail, I accidentally found myself on a side trail...for about half a mile...Finally realizing my mistake, I turned around and discovered where the trail had turned, and I hadn't. We were about 2 miles in and now starting to lose daylight. At about 3 miles (4 if you count the detour...) I decided it was time to stop for the night. I was pretty exhausted and I could tell the dogs were getting tired too. So, I found a small clearing and set up camp. I made a small fire, had some dinner and shortly after the sun set, I crawled into the tent with the dogs.
Confession time. I am actually afraid of the dark. When I go backpacking, I literally try to crawl into my tent as soon as it gets dark and then stay there until the sun comes back up. Even though I had a fire, I find comfort in my tent. But, it's not just the dark that scares me, I don't like unfamiliar sounds either. What was that? Is there something outside the tent? Is that noise getting closer? So, I always make sure I have headphones. I put them in and hoped for the best!
This was my first time backpacking with TWO dogs. Previous trips with one dog were comfy and cozy inside the tent. Two dogs where definitely COZY. Although physically tired, I had a lot of trouble sleeping that night. The dogs hogged the sleeping mat AND the blankets and made it very difficult to get into a comfortable position for sleep. I only got a few, interrupted, hours of sleep before the sun started peaking through the trees.
The next morning, I reevaluated the distances I had hoped to cover and the fact that I needed to be out of the woods by EARLY Wednesday morning. I decided I would definitely take the shorter trail at this point. I had a small breakfast, packed up camp, and set off again.
While I was hiking, I realized I wasn't getting what I had hoped out of this trip. I was feeling rushed and pressured the whole time. I was spending more time focused on where I was stepping and not actually enjoying just being in nature. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. All the meditation and communion with God I had hoped for wasn't happening. And I didn't think I would survive another sleepless night. Maybe I should just cut my loses and hike the whole way back to the car. It was only a couple of miles, after all. So, I planned on hiking out to the car and either head home or see about getting a site at the campground for the night. At least I wouldn't have to be as concerned about the strange noises overnight that way. But, another night on the ground? And it's supposed to get cold...well, if I'm at the car, I can always try to sleep in there if it gets too cold...Yes. That's what I'm going to do. Enough with these stupid woods. I'm going home.
Just over a mile from the trailhead, I found a nice little camp site where someone had set up a fire pit and gathered a large amount of wood. It's only 2:00 in the afternoon. Do I camp here? Or do I keep going? You know what, hiking all day is what is keeping me from being able to enjoy being out here. I decided to just set up camp for one more night, but with enough time to simply relax and enjoy the serenity of where I was without another soul in site. And this is why I did not remove the hammock from my pack...Perfect!
I spent the next several hours just relaxing around my new little 'home' for the night. I even tried to take a nap in the hammock, but a whining dog and a chilly breeze kept me from falling asleep. That's ok, it was still relaxing. I was finally just enjoying my time in the woods. This is what I was looking for. This is the 'lost' I was hoping for. As I had been hiking, and again around my little campsite, the words to a certain song kept playing over and over in my head.
Nobody wants to get lost in the crowd Buried beneath the ambient sounds Under the beat of a million hearts Finding You can be the hardest part
Well, I found my way to trouble I found my way to pain Oh, but I'm so tired of trying To find my own way
So I wanna get lost I wanna get lost in Your arms I wanna get lost And lose my way into Your heart
'Cause there's so many voices Telling me how to get lost in this life So right now I wanna get lost
Lost in You Before I lose myself
I never imagined at the start The thousand ways, I could find my heart Caught in a web of compromise Stuck in the prison of my own lies
It was easy to find my way in Not as easy to get out Oh, the roads to my own ruling Are too easily found
So I wanna get lost I wanna get lost in Your arms I wanna get lost And lose my way into Your heart
'Cause there's so many voices Telling me how to get lost in this life So right now I wanna get lost in You Before I lose myself
And I'm tired of trying to find my own way And I'm tired of playing my own serenades Like I'm memorizing the same old phrase Just repeating my steps to the same old place
Oh, I wanna get lost, lost tonight,
I wanna get lost I wanna get lost in Your arms I wanna get lost And lose my way into Your heart
'Cause there's so many voices Telling me how to get lost in this life So right now I wanna get lost, lost in You Before I lose myself, before I lose myself
It's not the woods that I wanted to get lost in, it was God!! Although being in the woods can help get rid of some of the distractions of life, we can get lost in God's love ANYWHERE. I had finally stopped worrying about getting lost in the woods, and refocused on getting lost in God. I spent the next few hours in the communion with God that I had been looking for the whole time. But, I had to stop what I was doing first. I had to stop looking at my feet, stop looking at the trail, and start looking up.
I needed to remember to look up for multiple reasons on this trip. Part of the reason I had ended up on the wrong trail on Sunday was because I was only looking at the trail right in front of me. I had stopped looking up for the trail blazes to show me which way to go. I would experience this on Tuesday morning as well, but only for a few hundred feet before realizing my mistake! But, not only did I need to look up to see the trail markers, I needed to look up to see what God was trying to tell me too. I planned this trip to have a God 'moment'. But, we can't always plan those things. I was trying to force it to happen. And, I almost missed it.
I spent some time reading a short book by Max Lucado Monday afternoon as well. A book about giving our trash to Christ. Not only was I literally lugging a heavy backpack full of extra stuff that I didn't need, I am also carrying trash bags full of trash that God never intended for me to carry as well. Christ died on the cross in order to be able to take that trash and carry it for us. No matter what is in our trash bags: guilt, shame, regret, anger, resentment, to name a few, Christ wants us to give it to Him. He is the only one strong enough to carry it.
Although I did have to carry my pack out with me on Tuesday, full of things I didn't need, I'd like to think I left a few other things out there in the woods that I don't need in my life. I'd like to think that my load Tuesday morning was, in fact, slightly lighter than it was before. Although Monday night was also another sleepless night, this time from the addition of much lower temperatures to a cramped tent, I woke up with renewed energy and strength Tuesday morning. That last mile felt like nothing. I reached the trail head and changed into slightly less stinky clothing before checking out at the park office and heading home with a rejuvenated spirit after all.
I'm sure I will still over pack the next time I head out to get lost in the woods, but hopefully each time it will be by less and less. The same, I hope in life as well. I know I will always have a trash bag full of sins to carry with me. But, maybe, just maybe, with time, that bag will become lighter and lighter as I put more and more down and become more and more lost in the arms of Christ.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
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