Some Takeaways...

First thing’s first. Yes, I am safe. I did not, nor do I intend to, harm myself in any way. Am I OK? Well that is another story…

I want to take this moment to thank each and every one of you who reached out to me after my last blog post. Some of you I expected to reach out, but I did not foresee the impact to so many as a result of my words. So, I just want to make sure to say thank you to everyone who showed concern for my wellbeing, no matter how that concern was shown. But, now I would like to touch on a few things that I have learned from this experience.

1. I absolutely hate the question, “Are you okay?” (And also “how are you?) When confronted with this question the other week, I immediately became defensive and upset. I couldn’t quite figure out why, but fortunately I had an appointment with my counselor only a few days later. She helped me to understand the defensiveness in my response to what was seemingly a simple question. You see, when you ask someone if they are okay, it unintentionally puts the pressure on for that person to automatically be ok, when in fact, they may not be. So, I became defensive because I wanted to say I was okay, but I knew the truth was that I was NOT okay. On top of that, I wasn’t sure the person asking was prepared to deal with the answer if I told them the truth that I wasn’t okay. In a split second, I found myself torn with answering honestly and creating unnecessary pain and chaos for the person simply trying to reach out to show they care, or answering with I thought they ‘wanted’ to hear. The result? Becoming defensive and irritated that someone would dare ask me a question like, “Are you okay.”

But! There is a solution. My counselor has suggested a better alternative when reaching out to someone who may be in a position where they want to harm themselves. That magic question is, “Are you safe?” Suddenly, the pressure to be okay is gone and an honest answer can be given. By asking this question, you can let the person know that you care, but still acknowledge and allow them to be in a NOT okay moment. This question can help ascertain if the person has a handful of pills or a weapon in their hand with the intention of using it on themselves. Action can then be taken if the person is, in fact, NOT safe. So, when reaching out to your friends, please use questions pertaining to their safety, and not the state of their mind.

2. Now this one is a bit tricky, but here goes. One of the replies I got to my last post made a statement along the lines of, “Try not to isolate yourself.” And it got me thinking. Often times, when people are so depressed that they wish things would “just end,” isolation just seems the natural choice. But why? After giving it some thought, I have come to the conclusion that we isolate because we want to protect everyone from the disasters that we think we are. If we can’t even stand the thought of living with ourselves anymore, why on earth would anyone else want to spend time with us? And, personally, I think I isolate as a means of protecting others from my negativity. I don’t want anyone else to feel the pain I am feeling, or even have to be near it. It’s like it’s a communicable disease and I am purposefully quarantining myself to prevent it from infecting other people. Isolation is a natural part of depression, whether it’s intentional or not, it happens. In the darkest moments, it just seems safer to stay there by yourself than drag the people you love into that same darkness.

3. Lastly, I learned what vulnerability can look like. I knew that becoming transparent and public in my journey through anxiety and depression would eventually create vulnerability. As previously mentioned, I became vulnerable to a variety of emotions and responses as a result of people reaching out. But, after my last post, I also became vulnerable to my own insecurities and fear of the very same stigma I am trying to help end. See, I don’t know who reads these blogs. I can see how many times it has been “accessed” (be honest, does everyone who clicks the link actually read the whole thing?), but I have no clue who those people are unless they leave a comment. The day after I wrote that blog, I went to a family reunion. Deep down, I was terrified that some of my family had read that post and would insist on asking me “how are you” all. Day. Long. But, I sucked it up and I went. And you know what? I had fun. I spent quality time with my brother and his family and it was such a blessing to have the chance to do so. But, the fear resurfaced on Sunday morning. Again, my mind went into overdrive. How many people from church read the blog? Are they all going to want to ask me that stupid question over and over again? Should I just skip church this week? What if I can’t keep it together? What if they start talking ABOUT me to each other?! But, I somehow managed to drag myself out of bed and showed up for church. There were a few hugs, a few tears, but no pity-filled looks or stares (at least that I noticed…), no anxiety-inducing questions about how I was doing, just love. Pure love and support. For that, I am so grateful.

(Note: I know that not everyone has that same response from their church, but you should. If you attend a church that responds negatively to your openness about not being okay, it may be time to find a new church. Because, I guarantee you every single one of them has been NOT okay at some point in their life. Heck, half of them are probably feeling not okay right now, but they are not willing to admit it. So, pray for them, then find a new church full of people who will love you THROUGH your time of being not okay instead of judging you for it. The church should be a safe place for all of us to be broken together.)

Thank you again for those of you who have been nothing but encouraging as I open up about my struggles. I pray that someone out there reading this finds it encouraging. And, if you ever find yourself crying on the floor of the shower, know that there are people out there who love you and are willing to support you in your times of weakness. If you ever need someone to reach out to, there is always the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255. Or, if picking up the phone and actually speaking to a stranger seems too difficult, they have an online chat option as well (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/). I know sometimes in those darkest moments, the ability to use your voice can be the most difficult thing to do. So, I encourage you to use the chat option, or find an app that enables texting with certified counselors. There are resources out there. Any life lost to suicide is too many. Remember, God loves you, I love you, and the only constant in this world is change. Things WILL change. And I am counting on that in my life right now!

Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a comment or drop me a message to let me know you were here. 😊